I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
