Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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