I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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