Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I just had sex on a roof
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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