I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
