then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
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