I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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