nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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