she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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