god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
