Swine flu. Run for my life!
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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