i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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