BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
