Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
