saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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