Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
