there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
