my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
