Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
