just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
