Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
How's work?
Spinning.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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