Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
