Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
