anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
