What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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