he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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