Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
be right there i have to get my cape
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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