I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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