If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
