chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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