i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
