Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
