And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Randomize
