There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
