Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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