Midget sex pt 2 tonight
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted