Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.