Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
