He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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