I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
