Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Randomize
