I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
