i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
