I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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