Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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