Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
