i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
