I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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