Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
