I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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