a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
