It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
