I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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