Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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